Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
