So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
