whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
