Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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