I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize