I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
