Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
