my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pants are for mortals
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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