Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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