There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
