Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
