I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Randomize
