I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
