The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
