enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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