worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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