I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
