1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
