if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
