so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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