oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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