U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize