I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
