I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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