:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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