wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
