Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
