Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
