We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
