you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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