You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
