I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
