The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
