No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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