I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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