So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
