did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
