It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
