When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize