Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How does one acquire holy water?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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