So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
