Pappa wants mamma naked
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
