That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
