Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
