I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
