Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
