do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
