oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
