There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
