Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
