After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
