dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
