This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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