Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
