Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
